Say what you need to say

As I was running again today I got lost in my thoughts with regard to my father...  I was wondering now that he and my grandfather have both past on, have they settled the hurt feelings and animosity between them??  I don't claim to have a sure answer of what life after this planet looks like, but I know that there is something metaphysical in nature that makes up a person's soul.  Personally, I believe there is a science or math beyond what we humans have discovered that will one day prove the existence of the human soul...  and that it continues to thrive after this frail and vulnerable human vessel has died.
Anyway, I'm off topic.  So here's what I'd like to imagine the conversation sounded like between my father and his -now that their fears of rejection and humiliation are no longer pertinent.
"Hello Dad.  I've wanted to tell you that all my life I was searching for ways to make you proud -even once I became angry and bitter towards you, STILL all I wanted was to live up to your expectations. Yet my oppressive self doubt -built from the years of vying for your love and attention, only to be unacknowledged and placated with material objects- became so pervasive I started numbing my mind in a feeble attempt to numb my aching spirit, which only lead me down an illicit path of self destruction.  Forgive me for so bitterly disappointing you, at every turn and milestone in my life."
"Son, forgive me for not telling you sooner that I AM proud of you and that I always was!  I've known since you were young how intuitively brilliant and creative you are, and that you held such a magnetic prowess over others, that all you ever needed to do was but raise your eyebrow and tilt your head -and they would fall over themselves to get in line behind such a powerful leader. I knew that, and I watched as you selfishly squandered and hid such an immaculate mind away from the world and the people who loved you.  Forgive me because my early life from a poor immigrant family in the early 1900's shattered my ability to show my emotions that were any deeper than what one may expect from a neighborly friendship.  As I aged and slowly pieced together an ability to share some emotions, our relationship was so scarred and broken I blamed myself for your addictions and limitations.  I couldn't tell you then that I was proud because I wanted so badly for you to rise above the easy road you were traveling on -manipulating and using the people in your life. I didn't know how to make up for my failures as a father and the anguish I wallowed in as I witnessed you abuse yourself and your family, was so searingly hot I was blinded to the fact that what you were still seeking was my unconditional acceptance and affection."

Why, I then wondered, is it so hard for people to say these things while they are still alive?  Seeing as the only person I can speak for is myself... I asked myself this question;  Self -to whom are you not telling such profoundly important feelings?  Oh, well....  (stammer) I uh....  YEP!!  Everyone I love is not hearing the profound thoughts and emotions that well to overflowing and course through my veins and the very fibers of my being.  DAMN IT!!  Well, it seems I have a renewed desire to thoroughly share my emotions.

I'll start now! If you received an email notifying you of this blog post...  Then you are someone who crosses my mind at least once a day and the ache I feel from the missing splinter of my heart you kept with you when we parted is becoming increasingly harder to bear.  I cherish my memories of you like I would a rare pink-diamond and I want so much to spend time with you again.  I love you for the unique ways we connect and the priceless gifts you've given me -the gift of believing I was MORE than a scared little girl, hiding in her shell.  Please believe me when I say I miss you and that I am busy building my business not just because it is my life's ambition -but also to create the liberty (time and money) to go where I want and spend time with who I want, as often as I want.  I hope you had a Valentine's Day filled with happiness this year... and that you accept my belated love note.