Say what you need to say

As I was running again today I got lost in my thoughts with regard to my father...  I was wondering now that he and my grandfather have both past on, have they settled the hurt feelings and animosity between them??  I don't claim to have a sure answer of what life after this planet looks like, but I know that there is something metaphysical in nature that makes up a person's soul.  Personally, I believe there is a science or math beyond what we humans have discovered that will one day prove the existence of the human soul...  and that it continues to thrive after this frail and vulnerable human vessel has died.
Anyway, I'm off topic.  So here's what I'd like to imagine the conversation sounded like between my father and his -now that their fears of rejection and humiliation are no longer pertinent.
"Hello Dad.  I've wanted to tell you that all my life I was searching for ways to make you proud -even once I became angry and bitter towards you, STILL all I wanted was to live up to your expectations. Yet my oppressive self doubt -built from the years of vying for your love and attention, only to be unacknowledged and placated with material objects- became so pervasive I started numbing my mind in a feeble attempt to numb my aching spirit, which only lead me down an illicit path of self destruction.  Forgive me for so bitterly disappointing you, at every turn and milestone in my life."
"Son, forgive me for not telling you sooner that I AM proud of you and that I always was!  I've known since you were young how intuitively brilliant and creative you are, and that you held such a magnetic prowess over others, that all you ever needed to do was but raise your eyebrow and tilt your head -and they would fall over themselves to get in line behind such a powerful leader. I knew that, and I watched as you selfishly squandered and hid such an immaculate mind away from the world and the people who loved you.  Forgive me because my early life from a poor immigrant family in the early 1900's shattered my ability to show my emotions that were any deeper than what one may expect from a neighborly friendship.  As I aged and slowly pieced together an ability to share some emotions, our relationship was so scarred and broken I blamed myself for your addictions and limitations.  I couldn't tell you then that I was proud because I wanted so badly for you to rise above the easy road you were traveling on -manipulating and using the people in your life. I didn't know how to make up for my failures as a father and the anguish I wallowed in as I witnessed you abuse yourself and your family, was so searingly hot I was blinded to the fact that what you were still seeking was my unconditional acceptance and affection."

Why, I then wondered, is it so hard for people to say these things while they are still alive?  Seeing as the only person I can speak for is myself... I asked myself this question;  Self -to whom are you not telling such profoundly important feelings?  Oh, well....  (stammer) I uh....  YEP!!  Everyone I love is not hearing the profound thoughts and emotions that well to overflowing and course through my veins and the very fibers of my being.  DAMN IT!!  Well, it seems I have a renewed desire to thoroughly share my emotions.

I'll start now! If you received an email notifying you of this blog post...  Then you are someone who crosses my mind at least once a day and the ache I feel from the missing splinter of my heart you kept with you when we parted is becoming increasingly harder to bear.  I cherish my memories of you like I would a rare pink-diamond and I want so much to spend time with you again.  I love you for the unique ways we connect and the priceless gifts you've given me -the gift of believing I was MORE than a scared little girl, hiding in her shell.  Please believe me when I say I miss you and that I am busy building my business not just because it is my life's ambition -but also to create the liberty (time and money) to go where I want and spend time with who I want, as often as I want.  I hope you had a Valentine's Day filled with happiness this year... and that you accept my belated love note.

the Borg

My mind is center stage for you today....  I was thinking while running (because that's where all my best thinking happens) about my job, the amount of money I make now, did make, and want to make eventually.  This is spurred to my mind due a conversation I had with a man, whom I very much respect, about a 10 min conversation he had and then billed his client over 80$ for it.  He is brilliant and has close to 20 years experience in his field and he is the guy who gets hired to review, correct, and either support or prove incorrect OTHER experts work.  So, ya, he deserves to bill his clients 350$ an hour.  His mind is like a computer, solving physics puzzles and math equations faster than my fingers can type them into a calculator.  Yet... Here is how I make 80$. I spend an hour with a six year old little girl watching YouTube videos and talking about art, girls scouts, friends at school and the medicine she takes.  Then I get to tell her parents, "she understands more about her prognosis than you think she does.  And those questions she is asking that concern you... Yep- they mean she wants more information."  Then the next 80$ I'll make is when I get to provide this little girl with a developmentally appropriate diagnosis education, and explain than by the time she reaches my age she'll probably be deciding what she wants said and done at her funeral.  Oh but not to worry! Seeing as she knows when her expiration date is, and the rest of us don't, she probably won't waste any of her time partying in collage, or backpacking through Europe, or ..... Well shoot.  Now I don't know what to think "wasting time" means!!!  What experiences are really most important in life?????  Here I am in my thirties and can I say I've lived a full life and it's okay if I die because I've experienced so much of what this planet offers????? My answer is NO.  But do I feel like I've wasted any of the time given to me already???? No to that also.  Hmmmmmmmm  alright -this a little off subject; back to the topic at hand.

So to recap, I make 80$ in an hour spending time working out the fears and emotions of a fatally ill child.  He makes 80$ in ten minuets of math and physics to determine if driver A is warranted millions of dollars from driver B who made a simple mistake (a mistake driver A probably made many times before but was just lucky enough not to hurt anyone).  And why is there such a disparity? Because of what society places value on.  Any item or serivce is only worth as much as someone is willing to pay for it.  We function somewhat like the Borg (I hope you've seen Star Trek) ; society's collective voice says "I'll give you 2 nickels for your pickle" and 10 cents is the price.  So when you get down to the bottom line, society places a higher value on being right and making the person who is wrong pay for it, more so than emotional well-being.  Really?  So is that what is most important in life? Being right and making money off the people who wrong you? Here I am back off subject again, so here I'll stay.

Is this what I go back and tell this little girl? Spend every precious minute you have being right and making others wrong!?!?! Come on! Never would I say something so ridiculous, yet it seems society might?  No, no it wouldn't! In HER case, there are other things more important in life. Like building lasting memories with her family and raising awareness of her genetic condition so that one day perhaps a cure will be discovered and little girls like her in the future won't have to die young.

 But in our lives ('our' meaning those of us without a terminal condition) we can place value on chasing the elusive dollar, an elevated social staus, and hanging with the popular kids.  HahahahhahHahahahahaha. That's funny.  See, being human IS a terminal condition. And we all know that.  Truthfully, we're no different than someone with cancer.  Then why if we all know this, AND this 'we' I'm speaking about are all the same minds that work to create society- does society place such an incredible value on these things we would all agree aren't important for someone with a life-ending diagnosis? 

The answer to that question is what I do not know. 

Yet, it is what I feel is possible to discover! I can't see the answer no more than I can see the wind... But I can feel both of them as they brush past my face while my feet pound down the pavement.